Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity - Cycle B

Matthew 28:16-20

“They worshiped, but they doubted.” (Matthew 28:17)

For such a short line, this passage does a lot to explain a complex dynamic that often happens in my heart. Here are the disciples, three years after seeing the wonders of Jesus, culminating in his Resurrection. They are moved to worship, but there is still room in their hearts for doubts.

I wanted to believe that the closer I got to Christ, the more my own doubts would melt away. But some days, I wrestle with doubts more than when I was new to my discipleship. The world does not suddenly become all better because you have found truth. The brokenness of yourself and the world is still there.

This includes people and institutions that take advantage of trust. Even if we haven’t been betrayed by someone we know personally, we have been let down by the charismatic, telling us that if we blindly follow them, our lives will get better.

From politicians to lifestyle gurus, we are bombarded by voices telling us to give into black and white thinking, promising our lives will only go up. And if it doesn’t, well, that's because we didn’t trust or try hard enough. Then, when life happens and suffering still exists, we either get disillusioned and leave or bury our head in the sand.

Our hearts are made for worship, but they have also been broken to a point where it’s only natural to be wary. Jesus knows this and doesn’t tell us we can only worship if our hearts are entirely in it at every moment. No matter what He has done in our lives, He knows about this tendency to question, “What if this time He fails me?”

I’ve had to grow comfortable with still having these thoughts. That doesn’t mean He will leave me or scold me. He’ll just gently remind me to bring that to Him, and He will reinforce who He is. He’s not offended, and He never tires of comforting me until I’ve worked through my doubts.

This truth has been very healing for me, and reading that the disciples went through the same struggles helped me to feel less alone for having these feelings. This patience makes it much easier to believe Jesus when he says He will be with us always, until the end of the age.