Breaking Up to Fall in Love with Christ: The Transformative Power of Prayer and the Exercises of St. Ignatius

The most transformative time in my life wasn’t my semester in Rome, but the summer following it. I had dragged along a heavy heart through that spring, spending more time crying than sleeping or studying, but the start of the next fall semester found me light, laughing, and learning with open-handed intensity. I’m sure my classmates thought that the change was the breakup that happened in between, but I knew it was the prayer.

It’s difficult to describe the anxiety I felt when, boarding the plane that was to take me to Rome for the semester, I was hit with the deep, heart-breaking realization that I didn’t want to date my boyfriend anymore. We had dozens of travel plans made and dreamt of for that spring, and suddenly, as I took my seat, I didn’t want any of that anymore. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I felt afraid. I was anything but peaceful.

As many others may find themselves doing in similar situations, I did my best to ignore my new conviction. I told myself a thousand things: The semester was too emotional and I would be too sleep-deprived for there to be real opportunity for discernment; it would be far too awkward to add a breakup to the dynamics of 60 students in one building in a foreign country; and he had been good to me for over a year, why not stay with him? But I knew, in my heart, that God didn’t want that.

And so, I spent the semester running from God’s invitation, just as Jonah did.

Though I was not swallowed by a whale that spring, I ended the semester with a weary heart, low spirits, and energy nearly as drained as my bank account. My friends had all had the time of their lives, and I was alone, afraid, and haunted by the idea that I had wasted my one shot at an incredible semester abroad. I was deeply, simply, tired.

It was exhaustion more than anything that pushed me to action. As I looked for a step to take that wasn’t just breaking up with my boyfriend, a friend recommended the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola. I looked at the title of one of the at-home, guided retreats he had written, and saw the words, “Inner Peace in the Service of God.” That was the one. Peace was the thing I needed.

So, I got to work. I invited my boyfriend to pray the same retreat, I adjusted my alarms to wake me up earlier for prayer, and I asked for guidance and companionship along this spiritual road from a few people who loved the Lord the way I wanted to love Him.

I spent the next four weeks praying through the guided meditation every morning, carrying a reflection with me throughout the day, and ending my evenings with the Ignatian Awareness Examen. There were four meditations and a Sunday prayer each week, which was the perfect set-up for someone in need of structure, challenge, and some graciously limited flexibility. 

It was perfect for me. After weeks of wanting to grow but feeling stuck, this exercise was freeing! I was being challenged, I was being guided, I was looking for God, and I was seeing Him! The structure of the retreat was built to facilitate this change and to make the effects last.

The retreat builds on four fundamental parts of living life with God to prepare the retreatant to make a “Program for Life” with the Holy Spirit to guide their steps following the retreat. Week One helps the retreatant grow in delight of God and in awareness of one’s meaning which is found in Him. Week Two helps the retreatant become aware of God’s presence by engaging with St. Ignatius' more physical spirituality; I practiced breathing exercises, breathing in the Father, the Son, the Spirit, and God as Creator. Week Three develops the retreatant’s delight in God by leading her through reflections on God’s commandments, including the Beatitudes and the virtues. By this point, I was burning with love for God and wanted to do something for Him. St. Ignatius foresaw this; Week Four invites the retreatant to meditate on the gifts of the body, gifts of the Spirit, and the Works of Mercy to grow in awareness of how one is called to serve the Lord. This leads to the writing of the Program for Life, making a commitment to a new way of living. Leaving the retreat with an action plan solidifies the growth one experiences in such an intense setting and makes it transferable to the rest of one’s life.

In writing my Program for Life, I decided on several changes: I broke up with my boyfriend, prioritized daily Mass as often as possible, and made a commitment to daily concentrated prayer. Through this retreat and the commitments I was able to make because of it, I was transformed from an anxious, reactive, overthinking college kid into a peaceful, reflective, and joyful woman of God!

The retreat itself set me up for this transformation, but what has kept its effects rooted in my heart are, firstly, God’s grace, and secondly, my dedication to daily concentrated prayer and praying of the Awareness Examen. Daily prayer is one of the most important and fundamental pieces of a Christian life; that is where we learn to listen to God! This retreat not only solidified this discipline (which I had always struggled to keep), but also taught me how to dive more deeply and honestly into the prayer time I had.

The Awareness Examen played a huge role in this. St. Ignatius wrote several examens that call one to deeper self-reflection, but the Awareness Examen focuses on daily life. It’s a simple set of directions for reflecting on your day to see where God was, where you succeeded or failed to meet Him, and what you can do to love Him better tomorrow. Actually taking the time to look for God is a good way to start seeing Him at work. Taking this time to prayerfully reflect each day has helped me be more aware of His love for me and His call for me in each moment. That awareness is what we’re called to live in! 

If you are looking for something concrete, guided, and lasting to do to bring you closer to Him, all from the comfort of your own home, I cannot recommend St. Ignatius’ retreats enough! And if you’re looking for another, less intense way to draw close to Him, solidify your daily prayer time and consider introducing the Awareness Examen to your repertoire. Whatever you choose to do, know that God is delighted with any earnest effort we bring to Him. He will take our smallest gifts and make them magnificent! He will make you more yourself, and make you so much more alive!